My Return

I have been gone for a while now. 
First and foremost, I would like to apologize for that. 

I have been wanting to update for quite some time... Actually, when I say "want" what I really mean is, I put it on my to do list and find reasons not to do it. Week after week I have been avoiding this. 
At first it was because every sliver of creativity I could muster I invested into writing my book. Then, eventually, I wasn't even doing that anymore. 
Now, finally, I have run out of excuses. So, here I am. 


When I first started writing my blog I didn't think anyone was ever going to read it. Then, a few months ago, before my long absence, it finally happened; People started reading, and it absolutely terrified me. Worse still, people I know started reading and I was filled with an unexpected amount of dread.

Now, I know what you're thinking; The stuff I post here is public and other people reading it was sort of inevitable (not to mention kind of the point right...)
And yes, of course I know that, but the idea that people that I know are reading what I post here absolutely terrified me.
Before all this I didn't really know who read my blog, and frankly, I was kind of afraid to ask. I didn't share my blog on social media, I didn't tell anyone about my blog, most of my friends didn't even know I write. 

I've never been very good at talking about my feelings. I've also never really liked opening up to people. So when people tell me that they've read my blog it makes me feel ridiculously vulnerable. Those of you that read what I write here will know me better than most people ever will. The things I write about here are the most vulnerable pieces of me. They are the things that I would never talk about with anyone! I can't help but put my heart into my writing. This is what I live for. This is the stuff that my soul is made of.  

I think too often when I write I worry that people won't take me seriously. I think that I come across as naive; No more than a child with a dream that I was supposed to grow out of but didn't. I picture someone reading this and laughing to themselves, thinking girl get your head out of the clouds.

Then I realize, if I'm not going to believe in my own dreams, who else will? I have to be a dreamer because, if I were a realist, I would have given up by now! If I can't dream bigger than life itself, how can my life ever become anything bigger! 

I know I am a dreamer, but I have experienced my fair share of reality too. I know my head is in the clouds, but my feet are on the ground! My feet are on the ground, and I am moving forward! Every day I move forward, even if just by inches. In spite of all the frustrations, all of the times that I stumbled and all the many many times that I questioned myself; in spite of all those times when reality started to creep in, at the end of the day, I was still a dreamer. This is who I am. I couldn't be anyone else even if I tried. 


 
I read somewhere that if you aren't willing to look stupid nothing great was ever going to happen to you, and how could it?!
Greatness is not within the reaches of our comfort, it's out there! It's far beyond the reaches of our safety. To achieve greatness you actually have to get off the couch, turn off the TV and pursue it! You have to get rid of your harmful habits and all your self doubt and fight for it!
Just like I had to stop keeping my writing locked within my notebook and open up to people, no matter how much that scared me. 

Some one once said, (although I've quite forgotten who,) 

"Sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream no one can see but you."

Here, I have shared my dreams with you. I may succeed or I may fail, either way, you'll be here to read about it. You'll know my failure, but maybe, if I fight hard enough, you can watch my triumph.

I don't know who's reading this, but I know you're there. So, who ever you are, please don't be a stranger anymore. I want to know who you are. So please, comment. If you know me then message me. Anything, so that I know I'm being heard.
Because I am so tired of being afraid. I don't wanna be silent anymore; Because, the truth is that, right now, as I'm sitting here writing this, I feel more like myself than I have in months. 

Thank you for reading. 

Special thanks to Kathie who has been here from the very start. I couldn't be here without you <3