I realize constantly that I am such a bad thinker. I know is seems ridiculous, but my thoughts, and more importantly, my emotions, always seem to get away from me. I can't think clearly, let alone feel... anything.
Sometimes that scares me, just a little.
When I was no more than a child (quite a younger one than I am now) my personal philosophy was to absorb the world. I wanted to experience every glorious piece of it. I wanted to feel everything with every fiber of my heart, to take in the world with every ounce of my being. I was so fascinated with all the wonderful things my heart and could feel... until the things I felt started to hurt, and the world became a lot less wonderful. And so, this little star crossed girl grew up, and she stopped putting her heart into everything.
The irony of this little story is how often my feelings seem to waste away these days. They burn away without so much as a spark. I go from day to day, letting my thoughts and day dreams delude me into thinking I can no longer feel.
Then, I sit down at my desk, with the intentions of writing a book review about a book I barely even liked, and I remember where my heart is. I remember the liberation, the respiration of feeling something, like taking a breath after a long time without breathing.
The truth is, as you get older, you learn not to put your heart into everything you do. In fact, you learn to put your heart away, like a forgotten keepsake into a chest or a drawer, until you find some better use for it.
You'll soon learn that, going from one day to another with your heart on your sleeve may lead to heart ache, but going without feeling is a different kind of pain: In the way that ice freezes or fire singes. Being numb is like a phantom.
If you lock your heart away you will soon forget how to use it. Hearts grow cold on neglect and misuse, and what a tragedy it is to waste something so precious.
It is for that very reason that I will bleed my feelings onto pages, so that they will not have to escape me. I will write because that is how my thoughts find clarity and my emotions break free. I have learned not to put my heart on my sleeve, but I will never stop putting my heart onto pages.
And so I will not be reviewing any books today. I will write simply because my heart felt lonely and misused today, and it feels so incredibly good to finally feel something.
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom."
~The Scarlet Letter
