I am feeling too restless to sleep right now. Too restless to study or to read.
My thoughts are senseless. Worries circling worries and frustrations revolving around pointless ponderings all in one whirlwind inside my head.
Let's outline them on paper. Maybe here I'll find some sense in my thoughts and hopefully a little solitude.
Well, to begin, I should like to mention that I'm turning 19 tomorrow.
I don't know how I feel about that. Mostly because I don't feel anything...
I'm never going to post this. I know that because as I sit here my hands hover over the keys and I begin sentences only to delete them.
Some things are better left private. Some thoughts better kept to myself. I really don't know how much I should share here. And even if there are only a handful of people who will ever take the time to actually read this, that doesn't change the fact that this is still public.
Besides, there are some things that I cannot put even just on paper because writing it down makes it real and, somehow I've convinced myself that maybe if I lock these things up tight enough inside myself and try not to feel them, eventually they won't exist anymore. If I write about it that means I have to confront them, and I really don't want to.
If you've made it this far you're most likely very confused by my excesive rambling or you're just waiting for me to get to the point.
But... I don't think I can this time. (Make my point I mean.) Because, if I'm writing this with the purpose of posting it then I hesitate with every sentence I write. But, if I'm writing this only to add it to my collection of unpublished posts, well then, whats the point?
Let me tell you something about myself that, if you've ever read any of my other posts, you've probably already figured out for yourself.
I am a bit of a loner.
I like being alone. I'm good at being alone. I don't like depending on other people and I don't tend to make friends easily.
I don't know why but, most of the time being around other people just makes me feel lonesome. And yes, part of that has to do with me being an introvert, but I think it also has to do with the fact that, among other things, I have trouble finding people who understand me. I don't mean to sound immature when I say this. I just mean that it's just so frustrating to be misunderstood. Even if I were to try to explain myself, people will only ever understand you from their own perspective. It takes a special kind of person, the companionship of a kindred spirit, to really make you feel like you're understood.
I also don't like the way being around other people influences me. Being alone is safe and familiar. I know who I am when I'm alone. Sometimes, when I'm around other people, I forget.
I really do love my friends and my family. They are my safe place. I couldn't be who I am without them.
But, sometimes, in the still of night, when I'm sleepless and restless and my thoughts are wandering where I would rather not follow them; When my family and my friends are so far away... I feel lonely.
And that's what I've been trying to say.
I feel lonely sometimes. Even as I tell myself I like to be alone.
I don't think I've ever told anyone that...