There seems to be a question that I am answering constantly as of late, and that is, why am I always alone?
Let me first say that, pointing out to someone who sits alone that they are alone is almost as pointless as asking them why exactly they are alone.
And, quite frankly, I am tired of answering these questions; Cause seriously, it's not like I'm actually gonna tell you the real reason why I often sit alone.
In the spirit of my last post, it's not like I never get lonely, cause I do. All the time actually. But I prefer being lonely to... well to all the baggage that comes with people. I don't mean other peoples baggage, I mean my own.
A part of me knows that it is ridiculous to let the past and all my own personal issues keep me away from people, but a much bigger part of me knows that, where I'm going, and what I'm doing, just needs to be done alone. I can't compromise for anyone. I can't open my life to anyone without first making room, and right now I don't have anything I can give up in order to make room for someone.
I'm not saying I don't have room to make friends. Of course, I'm not living my days in complete solitude. I am also not talking exclusively about relationships either. I'm talking about getting close to people in general. I'm talking about committing to people; Opening up to people.
When you open up to someone, when you commit to them, you almost always give them a piece of yourself. Opening up to people requires giving them a part of you. However small, when you give someone even a small particle of you, you lose that piece of yourself. You can't ask for it back once you've given it away. It doesn't work that way.
It's like when you give someone your trust; If that trust is broken it leaves a chip in the faith that you have in people now and anytime in the future. The more people mishandle your trust the less trust you have to give, it's that simple. Is it not that way with every aspect of ourselves?
Is that not the way relationships work? They just don't work without sacrifice, without investment. Anything we give away in any relationship we've ever been in is a part of ourselves we risk never getting back.
And, honestly, right now, I don't think I have a single piece of myself that I am ready to give up. I can't lose any more of myself for fear of losing myself entirely. I feel incomplete so often lately that, turning to someone else to fill that void is more of a risk than a solace.
I just can't risk that right now.
I'd rather live in solitude.