A Tribute

Recent events have inspired me to write a tribute to a brilliant man whom I wish I could have known better. 

He is a man to whom I feel indebted to. He is someone who inspires me and influences me greatly.

This man is my grandfather. 

I am writing this for him.

Dear Grand-Dad,

I wanted you to know that Mom tells me about you some times. I really love hearing stories about you. They always make my heart glow. 
I don't know if you ever saw anything of yourself in me, but I certainly see a lot of myself in you. 
Our love for books and for words is something we both share. 
I am in University now. I am studying English. 
I wanted you to know that thinking about you motivates me to keep going. You inspire me and I want so much to make you proud. 
I want to be a writer, just like you! I want to have a library of books, just like you! I admire you so much, I want to be just like you Grand-Dad! 
One day when we are both in heaven you and I will sit down and talk about books together. I can hardly wait!

Love, 

            Your Grand Daughter.

Die neusten ereignisse haben mich dazu inspiriert eine hommage an einen genialen mann zu schreiben, von dem ich wunschte, ich hatte ihn besser kennengelernt.
Er ist ein man dem ich viel verdanke. Er ist jemand der mich inspiriert und mich sehr beeinflusst. 
Dieser Mann ist mein Ur-Grosvater, Karl Goetz. 
Ich schreibe das fur ihn. 

Leibe Ur-Opa,

Ich wollte das du weist dass Mama mir manchmal von dir erzahlt. Ich hore gerne geschichten uber dich. Sie bringen immer mein herz zum strahlen.

Ich weis nicht ob du je etwas von dir in mir gesehen hast, aber ich sehe mir sicherheit viel von dir in mir. 
Unsere liebe zu buchern und zum geschriebenen wort ist etwas das wir beide teilen.

Ich bin jetzt in der Universitat. Ich studiere Englische Literatur.
Ich wollte das du weist dass an dich zu denken mich motiviert besser zu werden.
Du inspirierst mich und ich mochte dich stolz machen. 
Ich mochte schreiben, genau wie du! Ich mochte ein raum voller buecher haben, genau wie du!
Ich bewundere dich so sehr, ich will so sein wie du Ur-Opa.

Eines tages, wenn wir beide im himmel sind, werden du und ich uns zusammensetzen und uber bucher sprechen. Ich kann es kaum erwarten!

In Leibe, 

              Deine Enkelin.

More on Solitude

There seems to be a question that I am answering constantly as of late, and that is, why am I always alone?

Let me first say that, pointing out to someone who sits alone that they are alone is almost as pointless as asking them why exactly they are alone. 


And, quite frankly, I am tired of answering these questions; Cause seriously, it's not like I'm actually gonna tell you the real reason why I often sit alone.

In the spirit of my last post, it's not like I never get lonely, cause I do. All the time actually. But I prefer being lonely to... well to all the baggage that comes with people. I don't mean other peoples baggage, I mean my own. 

A part of me knows that it is ridiculous to let the past and all my own personal issues keep me away from people, but a much bigger part of me knows that, where I'm going, and what I'm doing, just needs to be done alone. I can't compromise for anyone. I can't open my life to anyone without first making room, and right now I don't have anything I can give up in order to make room for someone.  

I'm not saying I don't have room to make friends. Of course, I'm not living my days in complete solitude. I am also not talking exclusively about relationships either. I'm talking about getting close to people in general. I'm talking about committing to people; Opening up to people. 

When you open up to someone, when you commit to them, you almost always give them a piece of yourself. Opening up to people requires giving them a part of you. However small, when you give someone even a small particle of you, you lose that piece of yourself. You can't ask for it back once you've given it away. It doesn't work that way.

It's like when you give someone your trust; If that trust is broken it leaves a chip in the faith that you have in people now and anytime in the future. The more people mishandle your trust the less trust you have to give, it's that simple. Is it not that way with every aspect of ourselves? 

Is that not the way relationships work? They just don't work without sacrifice, without investment. Anything we give away in any relationship we've ever been in is a part of ourselves we risk never getting back.

And, honestly, right now, I don't think I have a single piece of myself that I am ready to give up. I can't lose any more of myself for fear of losing myself entirely. I feel incomplete so often lately that, turning to someone else to fill that void is more of a risk than a solace. 

I just can't risk that right now.  

I'd rather live in solitude.