A Tribute

Recent events have inspired me to write a tribute to a brilliant man whom I wish I could have known better. 

He is a man to whom I feel indebted to. He is someone who inspires me and influences me greatly.

This man is my grandfather. 

I am writing this for him.

Dear Grand-Dad,

I wanted you to know that Mom tells me about you some times. I really love hearing stories about you. They always make my heart glow. 
I don't know if you ever saw anything of yourself in me, but I certainly see a lot of myself in you. 
Our love for books and for words is something we both share. 
I am in University now. I am studying English. 
I wanted you to know that thinking about you motivates me to keep going. You inspire me and I want so much to make you proud. 
I want to be a writer, just like you! I want to have a library of books, just like you! I admire you so much, I want to be just like you Grand-Dad! 
One day when we are both in heaven you and I will sit down and talk about books together. I can hardly wait!

Love, 

            Your Grand Daughter.

Die neusten ereignisse haben mich dazu inspiriert eine hommage an einen genialen mann zu schreiben, von dem ich wunschte, ich hatte ihn besser kennengelernt.
Er ist ein man dem ich viel verdanke. Er ist jemand der mich inspiriert und mich sehr beeinflusst. 
Dieser Mann ist mein Ur-Grosvater, Karl Goetz. 
Ich schreibe das fur ihn. 

Leibe Ur-Opa,

Ich wollte das du weist dass Mama mir manchmal von dir erzahlt. Ich hore gerne geschichten uber dich. Sie bringen immer mein herz zum strahlen.

Ich weis nicht ob du je etwas von dir in mir gesehen hast, aber ich sehe mir sicherheit viel von dir in mir. 
Unsere liebe zu buchern und zum geschriebenen wort ist etwas das wir beide teilen.

Ich bin jetzt in der Universitat. Ich studiere Englische Literatur.
Ich wollte das du weist dass an dich zu denken mich motiviert besser zu werden.
Du inspirierst mich und ich mochte dich stolz machen. 
Ich mochte schreiben, genau wie du! Ich mochte ein raum voller buecher haben, genau wie du!
Ich bewundere dich so sehr, ich will so sein wie du Ur-Opa.

Eines tages, wenn wir beide im himmel sind, werden du und ich uns zusammensetzen und uber bucher sprechen. Ich kann es kaum erwarten!

In Leibe, 

              Deine Enkelin.

More on Solitude

There seems to be a question that I am answering constantly as of late, and that is, why am I always alone?

Let me first say that, pointing out to someone who sits alone that they are alone is almost as pointless as asking them why exactly they are alone. 


And, quite frankly, I am tired of answering these questions; Cause seriously, it's not like I'm actually gonna tell you the real reason why I often sit alone.

In the spirit of my last post, it's not like I never get lonely, cause I do. All the time actually. But I prefer being lonely to... well to all the baggage that comes with people. I don't mean other peoples baggage, I mean my own. 

A part of me knows that it is ridiculous to let the past and all my own personal issues keep me away from people, but a much bigger part of me knows that, where I'm going, and what I'm doing, just needs to be done alone. I can't compromise for anyone. I can't open my life to anyone without first making room, and right now I don't have anything I can give up in order to make room for someone.  

I'm not saying I don't have room to make friends. Of course, I'm not living my days in complete solitude. I am also not talking exclusively about relationships either. I'm talking about getting close to people in general. I'm talking about committing to people; Opening up to people. 

When you open up to someone, when you commit to them, you almost always give them a piece of yourself. Opening up to people requires giving them a part of you. However small, when you give someone even a small particle of you, you lose that piece of yourself. You can't ask for it back once you've given it away. It doesn't work that way.

It's like when you give someone your trust; If that trust is broken it leaves a chip in the faith that you have in people now and anytime in the future. The more people mishandle your trust the less trust you have to give, it's that simple. Is it not that way with every aspect of ourselves? 

Is that not the way relationships work? They just don't work without sacrifice, without investment. Anything we give away in any relationship we've ever been in is a part of ourselves we risk never getting back.

And, honestly, right now, I don't think I have a single piece of myself that I am ready to give up. I can't lose any more of myself for fear of losing myself entirely. I feel incomplete so often lately that, turning to someone else to fill that void is more of a risk than a solace. 

I just can't risk that right now.  

I'd rather live in solitude.


 

Curse of the Loner

I am feeling too restless to sleep right now. Too restless to study or to read. 
My thoughts are senseless. Worries circling worries and frustrations revolving around pointless ponderings all in one whirlwind inside my head.

Let's outline them on paper. Maybe here I'll find some sense in my thoughts and hopefully a little solitude.

Well, to begin, I should like to mention that I'm turning 19 tomorrow. 
I don't know how I feel about that. Mostly because I don't feel anything...

I'm never going to post this. I know that because as I sit here my hands hover over the keys and I begin sentences only to delete them. 

Some things are better left private. Some thoughts better kept to myself. I really don't know how much I should share here. And even if there are only a handful of people who will ever take the time to actually read this, that doesn't change the fact that this is still public. 
Besides, there are some things that I cannot put even just on paper because writing it down makes it real and, somehow I've convinced myself that maybe if I lock these things up tight enough inside myself and try not to feel them, eventually they won't exist anymore. If I write about it that means I have to confront them, and I really don't want to. 

If you've made it this far you're most likely very confused by my excesive rambling or you're just waiting for me to get to the point. 
But... I don't think I can this time. (Make my point I mean.) Because, if I'm writing this with the purpose of posting it then I hesitate with every sentence I write. But, if I'm writing this only to add it to my collection of unpublished posts, well then, whats the point?

Let me tell you something about myself that, if you've ever read any of my other posts, you've probably already figured out for yourself. 
I am a bit of a loner.

I like being alone. I'm good at being alone. I don't like depending on other people and I don't tend to make friends easily. 
I don't know why but, most of the time being around other people just makes me feel lonesome. And yes, part of that has to do with me being an introvert, but I think it also has to do with the fact that, among other things, I have trouble finding people who understand me. I don't mean to sound immature when I say this. I just mean that it's just so frustrating to be misunderstood.  Even if I were to try to explain myself, people will only ever understand you from their own perspective. It takes a special kind of person, the companionship of a kindred spirit, to really make you feel like you're understood.
I also don't like the way being around other people influences me. Being alone is safe and familiar. I know who I am when I'm alone. Sometimes, when I'm around other people, I forget.

I really do love my friends and my family. They are my safe place. I couldn't be who I am without them.
But, sometimes, in the still of night, when I'm sleepless and restless and my thoughts are wandering where I would rather not follow them; When my family and my friends are so far away... I feel lonely. 
And that's what I've been trying to say. 

I feel lonely sometimes. Even as I tell myself I like to be alone.

I don't think I've ever told anyone that...