My Safe and Organized Chaos

My Christmas break didn't feel like a break. 
It felt more like an interlude, an in-between before the journey continues. 
I feel frustrated and overwhelmed, yet still eager. 
I feel frustrated because being grown up sucks. I didn't do nearly as much as I hoped to over this short break. My responsibilities have a way of calling me away from the things I intend to do. 
I feel overwhelmed because there is so much that seems to be in the balance in my life right now. There is so much that seems poised on the edge of certain chaos, one draft might make it fall. I feel almost helpless; like one walking a tightrope, steps wavering, balance unsettling. 
I was sorting through my things today. I have been meaning to do this all week but I kept getting called away by other responsibilities. Having to pack up my bedroom makes this journey frightfully real. It reminds me that time is running out and I am really leaving.
Those who know me know that, to the untrained eye, my bedroom looks a like clustered and chaotic mess. I'm not claiming that this is not true, yes my bedroom is clustered, but this is an organized sort of chaos. There are books and notebooks stacked on every surface. There are sketches and scribbles of maps on the walls. There are canvases in the corner and trinkets scattered about. 
Yet, those who know me also know that, I know where everything is in this chaotic mess. Everything in my room has its place. I know which book sits where and I know the story behind most every trinket and painting.
Yet, here I am. Packing up my things to make room for another who will soon be filling it with his own things; creating his own chaotic and organized mess and lining it with his own stories. 
I'm not leaving yet, but I am leaving soon. And this makes me feel uneasy.
My bedroom is, as it is to most I believe, my safe space. It is the place where my books surround me and my cat sleeps. It is where my desk is, the desk which I used to fancy could take me anywhere if only I sat down with a pencil in hand. It is the space where I know every corner, every trinket; where the things that are mine -the things that are a part of who I am, surround me.
Packing away these things makes my heart ache. Today when my Dad took down my ballet bar I felt like I was saying farewell to something; my childhood perhaps, but also to my safe place. 
It is a little less mine now and one day, frightfully soon, it will not be mine at all.
The things beyond this little safe place are uncertain. I am going out into the world. Not all at once, but ever so slowly. For the first time in my life failure is a real possibility. For the first time in my life it is not enough to just dream but I have to consider the real possibility of what I will do if I should fail. 
And, if I feel like I'm barely making it now, how much harder will it be when I am out on my own?
I sat down as I was packing up my things. I looked around at the boxes and the things that line the walls, and I found myself debating unpacking it all again just to take it all in one last time before it goes away.
My past is a little further behind me today; my future a lot closer than it was mere months ago. 
I am uncertain that I will make it. But it is not me that I have faith in. 
I feel frustrated and I feel overwhelmed, but I also feel eager because I know that my story, as all stories do, has an ending. 
And I can't wait to see how it ends. 
But it's not my story at all now, is it?
I stepped a little closer to the unknown today, and this time, the pencil is not in my hands. 

"I am the desinger of my own catastrophe."

~Unknown 

 

A Tribute

Recent events have inspired me to write a tribute to a brilliant man whom I wish I could have known better. 

He is a man to whom I feel indebted to. He is someone who inspires me and influences me greatly.

This man is my grandfather. 

I am writing this for him.

Dear Grand-Dad,

I wanted you to know that Mom tells me about you some times. I really love hearing stories about you. They always make my heart glow. 
I don't know if you ever saw anything of yourself in me, but I certainly see a lot of myself in you. 
Our love for books and for words is something we both share. 
I am in University now. I am studying English. 
I wanted you to know that thinking about you motivates me to keep going. You inspire me and I want so much to make you proud. 
I want to be a writer, just like you! I want to have a library of books, just like you! I admire you so much, I want to be just like you Grand-Dad! 
One day when we are both in heaven you and I will sit down and talk about books together. I can hardly wait!

Love, 

            Your Grand Daughter.

Die neusten ereignisse haben mich dazu inspiriert eine hommage an einen genialen mann zu schreiben, von dem ich wunschte, ich hatte ihn besser kennengelernt.
Er ist ein man dem ich viel verdanke. Er ist jemand der mich inspiriert und mich sehr beeinflusst. 
Dieser Mann ist mein Ur-Grosvater, Karl Goetz. 
Ich schreibe das fur ihn. 

Leibe Ur-Opa,

Ich wollte das du weist dass Mama mir manchmal von dir erzahlt. Ich hore gerne geschichten uber dich. Sie bringen immer mein herz zum strahlen.

Ich weis nicht ob du je etwas von dir in mir gesehen hast, aber ich sehe mir sicherheit viel von dir in mir. 
Unsere liebe zu buchern und zum geschriebenen wort ist etwas das wir beide teilen.

Ich bin jetzt in der Universitat. Ich studiere Englische Literatur.
Ich wollte das du weist dass an dich zu denken mich motiviert besser zu werden.
Du inspirierst mich und ich mochte dich stolz machen. 
Ich mochte schreiben, genau wie du! Ich mochte ein raum voller buecher haben, genau wie du!
Ich bewundere dich so sehr, ich will so sein wie du Ur-Opa.

Eines tages, wenn wir beide im himmel sind, werden du und ich uns zusammensetzen und uber bucher sprechen. Ich kann es kaum erwarten!

In Leibe, 

              Deine Enkelin.

More on Solitude

There seems to be a question that I am answering constantly as of late, and that is, why am I always alone?

Let me first say that, pointing out to someone who sits alone that they are alone is almost as pointless as asking them why exactly they are alone. 


And, quite frankly, I am tired of answering these questions; Cause seriously, it's not like I'm actually gonna tell you the real reason why I often sit alone.

In the spirit of my last post, it's not like I never get lonely, cause I do. All the time actually. But I prefer being lonely to... well to all the baggage that comes with people. I don't mean other peoples baggage, I mean my own. 

A part of me knows that it is ridiculous to let the past and all my own personal issues keep me away from people, but a much bigger part of me knows that, where I'm going, and what I'm doing, just needs to be done alone. I can't compromise for anyone. I can't open my life to anyone without first making room, and right now I don't have anything I can give up in order to make room for someone.  

I'm not saying I don't have room to make friends. Of course, I'm not living my days in complete solitude. I am also not talking exclusively about relationships either. I'm talking about getting close to people in general. I'm talking about committing to people; Opening up to people. 

When you open up to someone, when you commit to them, you almost always give them a piece of yourself. Opening up to people requires giving them a part of you. However small, when you give someone even a small particle of you, you lose that piece of yourself. You can't ask for it back once you've given it away. It doesn't work that way.

It's like when you give someone your trust; If that trust is broken it leaves a chip in the faith that you have in people now and anytime in the future. The more people mishandle your trust the less trust you have to give, it's that simple. Is it not that way with every aspect of ourselves? 

Is that not the way relationships work? They just don't work without sacrifice, without investment. Anything we give away in any relationship we've ever been in is a part of ourselves we risk never getting back.

And, honestly, right now, I don't think I have a single piece of myself that I am ready to give up. I can't lose any more of myself for fear of losing myself entirely. I feel incomplete so often lately that, turning to someone else to fill that void is more of a risk than a solace. 

I just can't risk that right now.  

I'd rather live in solitude.


 

Curse of the Loner

I am feeling too restless to sleep right now. Too restless to study or to read. 
My thoughts are senseless. Worries circling worries and frustrations revolving around pointless ponderings all in one whirlwind inside my head.

Let's outline them on paper. Maybe here I'll find some sense in my thoughts and hopefully a little solitude.

Well, to begin, I should like to mention that I'm turning 19 tomorrow. 
I don't know how I feel about that. Mostly because I don't feel anything...

I'm never going to post this. I know that because as I sit here my hands hover over the keys and I begin sentences only to delete them. 

Some things are better left private. Some thoughts better kept to myself. I really don't know how much I should share here. And even if there are only a handful of people who will ever take the time to actually read this, that doesn't change the fact that this is still public. 
Besides, there are some things that I cannot put even just on paper because writing it down makes it real and, somehow I've convinced myself that maybe if I lock these things up tight enough inside myself and try not to feel them, eventually they won't exist anymore. If I write about it that means I have to confront them, and I really don't want to. 

If you've made it this far you're most likely very confused by my excesive rambling or you're just waiting for me to get to the point. 
But... I don't think I can this time. (Make my point I mean.) Because, if I'm writing this with the purpose of posting it then I hesitate with every sentence I write. But, if I'm writing this only to add it to my collection of unpublished posts, well then, whats the point?

Let me tell you something about myself that, if you've ever read any of my other posts, you've probably already figured out for yourself. 
I am a bit of a loner.

I like being alone. I'm good at being alone. I don't like depending on other people and I don't tend to make friends easily. 
I don't know why but, most of the time being around other people just makes me feel lonesome. And yes, part of that has to do with me being an introvert, but I think it also has to do with the fact that, among other things, I have trouble finding people who understand me. I don't mean to sound immature when I say this. I just mean that it's just so frustrating to be misunderstood.  Even if I were to try to explain myself, people will only ever understand you from their own perspective. It takes a special kind of person, the companionship of a kindred spirit, to really make you feel like you're understood.
I also don't like the way being around other people influences me. Being alone is safe and familiar. I know who I am when I'm alone. Sometimes, when I'm around other people, I forget.

I really do love my friends and my family. They are my safe place. I couldn't be who I am without them.
But, sometimes, in the still of night, when I'm sleepless and restless and my thoughts are wandering where I would rather not follow them; When my family and my friends are so far away... I feel lonely. 
And that's what I've been trying to say. 

I feel lonely sometimes. Even as I tell myself I like to be alone.

I don't think I've ever told anyone that...


 
 

 

My Confession

I have a lot to say right now. But, before I say anything, I need to say one important thing first. The reason I write on this blog is not because I want to entertain, impress or in any way appeal to anyone. As I have mentioned many times before, it actually makes me quite uncomfortable when people read my blog because, me being an introvert, I don't like talking about these kinds of things with people. 
No, the reason I write on this blog is for myself...mostly. I have so much of my writing locked up inside my head and inside my notebooks, and though sometimes some of it does make it out somehow, this blog is primarily here because sometimes it's nice to be heard. It's just easier to talk to my screen than to most people... 

Anyway, having said that, I am writing here today because I have a decision to make. I'm pretty sure I already know what conclusion I will come to, cause hey, I've known myself all my life, I know there's only one option for me. But I'm still a little scared. I still have second thoughts. I still have a little doubt. I need to talk myself into this for a little while first.

Now that I've danced around the issue for long enough, I will finally get to my point.

I like to tell stories. 
In fact, all I've ever wanted is to tell stories. 
And, believe me, I cannot stress enough how ridiculous confessing that makes me feel! What kind of eighteen year old is stuck in such a childish dream! I laugh at myself sometimes!

But then there are those moments when I give in to the doubt. There are those moments when I start to think "realistically," and honestly, I hate those moments. In those moments I don't feel like myself. In those moments, I feel lost. I feel purposeless. I really really hate those moments. 
But, as much as those moments scare me, there's one thing that scares me more, and that's living in that reality. 
I'm a dreamer. I admit it. I have my head in the clouds. Who cares!

I confess that this idea is insane! I know I'm out of my mind! Who can make a living off of telling stories, right?! 
But I don't care! I don't care if I struggle all my life to no avail! At least I'll have my purpose. Cause the world can take my money and my confidence. It can take my health, my home and all I care for. But the world can never take away my purpose.

I confess that when I went off to University, I hesitated. I remember for weeks in advance there was this little nagging worry in my head that wondered if the reality of University would beat this dream out of me. Sure, it's easier to dream when I'm sitting in my bedroom in the house I've lived in for most of my life. I'm comfortable there! It's easy to dream from the sidelines! But to act, now that's another thing entirely. To act takes courage, and dedication and a whole lot of faith. Oh, so much faith.

Now I'm here, miles away from my comfort zone, and you know what, I'm not scared anymore. Not of this. This doesn't scare me anymore. What scares me is not even trying. What scares me is not fighting hard enough.
When I think about quitting, when I consider even for a moment turning to a more particle lifestyle, I feel dead inside. I feel my heart sink and, honestly, I feel like it robs me of my soul. 

I have to do this. There is no other way. I don't want to waste my life. I don't want to die in regret. Not doing this is the only thing that could ever scare me. 

And now here I am once again. Making the same decision I've made time and time again. 

I want to tell stories. 

I will tell stories.

How crazy does that make me? 

 Photo Credit goes to Heinrich Nikel Photography.

Send Me a Storm

This is probably the last thing I should be doing right now, yet, somehow, it needs to be the first. Updating my blog is at the bottom of the to do list, yet here I am. Writing.
This post currently has no title because I don't know what this is about yet, but I'm sure to find out shortly.
Some of you probably don't know this, but I'm in University now. I have my text books sitting next to me, on the desk in my dorm room. My roommate is currently out, and I am alone. And, aside from the ridiculously loud air-conditioning, all is still.

Today was a very busy and a very hot day. I hate hot days. They make me lazy and, quite frankly, they exhaust me. 
I miss the rain. Oh how I miss the rain. I miss dancing in the storm. Somehow admits the turmoil of thunder and rain your soul is just set free. All your worries wash away, and you are just a tiny drop in the eye of the storm. It's the most powerful form of therapy I know. To me there is nothing like a thunder storm to remind me who is really in control.
I think what I'm trying to say is. I feel like I'm losing control, and that scares me. I think, admits the homework and the stress of getting settled into this new stage of my life, I think I have forgotten why I'm here. I have forgotten who sent me and I have lost sight of what I came here to so eagerly pursue. 
So, I am here now, putting off my reading and the two papers I'm supposed to be writing, to remind myself. 
I am here because... well because this is all I want to do. They is all I can do! There is no other way to say it! No other way to do it! I am here because I have this nagging urge in my heart that won't be still. It is the storm inside my soul. I find peace in the storm, and I guess this is my storm. This rage, this passion, this hurricane. This brings me to life. Without it I am dead. Without it I am just a hot sunny day, and I hate hot sunny days. 
And now, I have come up with a title for this nameless post. As you can see I've called it, Send Me a Storm. Or, more precisely, Send Me THE Storm.

I didn't have a picture for this post, so I thought I'd share one of my favorite landscape pictures taken by none other than my Dad. 

Just looking at it makes me feel calm in the most tremendous way.

Check out more breathtaking landscapes of his here.

A Milestone

 "If a story is in you, it has to come out."

~William Faulkner 

  I started this blog as a way to document my ups and downs as an aspiring novelist, and, as I recently hit a milestone in my journey as a writer, I thought it was only appropriate to document it here.

This last week (though by now many weeks ago) I finished writing the first part of my book. 

Now this really isn't a big deal, because the book isn't long finished, and for all I know it could still be a while before that actually happens seeing as I'm heading off to college in a few short weeks. (At this time only a few days...)

But holy crap! I'm finally getting somewhere! The pages are finally coming into their order! The story is officially on its way!

This journey that I embarked on in my grade seven English class is finally taking me somewhere. And this, this wonderful sensation, has me writing more ferociously than ever before. 

 I just can't waste any more time procrastinating. I have to know where this is taking me! I have to keep writing. I can't stand still anymore! This is my life. This is my journey. My odyssey.

Through all the frustrations, all the times that life gets in the way, I will never cease to find my way back to these pages. These pages are my story. The ink is in my fingers. These words are the life inside my soul. 

Nothing can take them from me. 

The Road Goes Ever On

These pictures were taken in the Dolomite's in Italy during my grand European adventure last year.
I have wanted to share these pictures with you for quite some time and try and capture this experience. But, somehow, I don't think I could capture with mere words how incredibly breathtaking it was.

As me and my Dad (who thankfully took these fantastic pictures and so helped capture what my words cannot) made our way up the mountain side, and the air got thinner and thinner, I could hear my heart beat in my ears. It seemed to come from all around me. I can remember so vividly the feel of the wind in my hair and the clouds in my lungs. 

We climbed right into the sky, and, when we finally reached the top, despite the fact that I could hardly muster the strength to take another step, looking into the fog and seeing the path beyond, I wanted nothing more than to keep going; To follow the road, and discover what was beyond the fog. 
But the clouds were getting thicker and a storm was beginning to brew. It followed us all the way down the mountain and we only made it home just in time. I don't think I would have had the strength to go much further.   

Rarely have I found so much peace in silence and been so at a loss for words. One day I will go back and see what lies beyond the fog. And this time, I won't turn back. 

“The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say?"

 

~ Bilbo; The Lord of the Rings by: J.R.R Tolkien

A Story About Kathie

It was your birthday yesterday! 
So, though it is one day late, here is my tribute to you. 
My dear cousin, my sister by choice and my best-est mate ;)

I was supposed to share my favorite Kathie story yesterday. I didn't do that, not because I couldn't think of anything to say, but because I couldn't think of what to say! 

So late last night, I started to ponder... What is my favorite Kathie story?

I think I finally figured it out. So... here it is. 

My favorite Kathie story is every Kathie story. 
 It is not a singular moment of laughter or any of the nonsense we do. My favorite Kathie story is every Kathie-like moment! Every time you giggle or ramble about something. Every time you listen to me ramble about something (Have I ever told you that I never talk so much as when I'm with you?)   

I love your childish bliss. Balloons, bubbles, sparkles, giggles and all. Kathie, never grow up. You can get older, but don't grow up.

It takes someone very brave to have a heart like yours. If you grow up, and lose that wonderful carefree spirit, the world will have won, and the world will be a worse place for it. Peter Pan would sooner grow up than Kathie lose her sparkle! And coming from me that's saying a lot ;)

So be brave. Take heart, because the world likes to make children grow up, but you're gonna challenge the world like it's never been challenged before. 

That is my Kathie story. How Kathie refused to let the world bring her down. That is your story.

So, stay extraordinary! Stay you! And never grow up! 

We love you. 

- Lea and the Boys <3

 

Putting My Heart On My Sleeve

I was going to post another book review today, I sat down with that intention, but there appear to be other things on my mind, or rather, on my heart.

I realize constantly that I am such a bad thinker. I know is seems ridiculous, but my thoughts, and more importantly, my emotions, always seem to get away from me. I can't think clearly, let alone feel... anything. 
Sometimes that scares me, just a little. 

When I was no more than a child (quite a younger one than I am now) my personal philosophy was to absorb the world. I wanted to experience every glorious piece of it. I wanted to feel everything with every fiber of my heart, to take in the world with every ounce of my being. I was so fascinated with all the wonderful things my heart and could feel... until the things I felt started to hurt, and the world became a lot less wonderful. And so, this little star crossed girl grew up, and she stopped putting her heart into everything.


The irony of this little story is how often my feelings seem to waste away these days. They burn away without so much as a spark. I go from day to day, letting my thoughts and day dreams delude me into thinking I can no longer feel.

Then, I sit down at my desk, with the intentions of writing a book review about a book I barely even liked, and I remember where my heart is. I remember the liberation, the respiration of feeling something, like taking a breath after a long time without breathing.

The truth is, as you get older, you learn not to put your heart into everything you do. In fact, you learn to put your heart away, like a forgotten keepsake into a chest or a drawer, until you find some better use for it. 

You'll soon learn that, going from one day to another with your heart on your sleeve may lead to heart ache, but going without feeling is a different kind of pain: In the way that ice freezes or fire singes. Being numb is like a phantom. 
If you lock your heart away you will soon forget how to use it. Hearts grow cold on neglect and misuse, and what a tragedy it is to waste something so precious.
   
It is for that very reason that I will bleed my feelings onto pages, so that they will not have to escape me. I will write because that is how my thoughts find clarity and my emotions break free. I have learned not to put my heart on my sleeve, but I will never stop putting my heart onto pages.

And so I will not be reviewing any books today. I will write simply because my heart felt lonely and misused today, and it feels so incredibly good to finally feel something. 

 

"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." 

~The Scarlet Letter

 

The Nest

Ever since I read Airborn I have loved Kenneth Oppel. 
His stories are rich with the romance of adventure. Whether it be to sail the skies on the Aurora, or the dark and desperate search for the elixir of life, Kenneth Oppel has never failed to sweep me away.
When I begin a Kenneth Oppel book I know I am setting out on an Adventure. 
This romantic and venturesome image was completely thrown off when I read The Nest.
The Nest wasn't bad, it was simply like nothing of his I have ever read before. This one felt more like a Neil Gaiman book.
The story was spooky and raving. The message was haunting. If you enjoyed The Ocean at the End of the Lane then you will enjoy this book.  
The imagination of this book is frightful. Mr. Nobody was the most ghastly character, and, despite the fact that at most times he was little more than a shadow cast into the story, had the most depth to his character.
The knicks and taints that are our human imperfections are the shards and thorns that make this story so dangerous.

"Sometimes we really aren't supposed to be the way we are. It's not good for us, and people don't like it. 

You've got to change. You've got to try harder and do deep breathing and maybe one day take pills and learn tricks so you can pretend to be more like normal people - but maybe Vanessa was right, and all those other people were broken too in their own ways, maybe we all spent too much time pretending we weren't."

~Kenneth Oppel; The Nest 

  

Picture credit to Heinrich Nikel Photography.

Graduation

It's been almost a year since I graduated, but I realized I never shared my grad pictures with you.

Looking back at last year; Within the last couple months of high school I was so busy juggling work, school, and some things I was struggling with at the time, that it never even hit me that I was finally leaving high school for good. I was finally free to set out on my own path.

My mom found a cheap grad dress online and planned my grad party. Meanwhile I scrambled to get the highest GPA I could muster.
Then, the night before my graduation, as my dear friend Elli made me every concoction we could think of to get rid of the cold I was fighting, I realized, I'm graduating tomorrow. Tomorrow the past ends and the future begins.
And, to my horror, I wasn't the least bit excited.

 

Now, in the present, I am beginning preparations for College. I can't believe in just a few months I will be leaving my childhood behind me and stepping into the future. 
I have been dreaming about studying English Literature for as long as I can remember. I must have been in the fourth grade when I decided that this was what I wanted to do, and now, finally, I am stepping out of the dream and into the reality that will get me there.

It was almost a year ago (around the time I shared my post "Wishes" on here,) that I decided to take a year off before going to College. Since then I have wondered often what the future will hold, and how on earth I will manage to support myself throughout my College career, but, at the same time, I simply cannot bring myself to worry about it. No matter how unlikely and frightening it may be to invest my entire being into one single dream with so much uncertainty wedged between it, when I look into the possibilities of the future, I feel peace. I feel at peace when I walk into the unknown, because I know that He knows where He is taking me.

I know that He was the one who gave me these desires, at an age when I barely even knew who I was, I knew who I wanted to become. 
I was hoping to finish writing my book this year. But, over the winter, the words seemed to evade me. I wrote and rewrote. I stayed up many snowy nights with little to no progress. 
The silence lasted all throughout the Winter. I felt hopelessly forsaken.
Then, finally, I realized - or remembered, for I knew this one - I couldn't finish this book at all. Not in five lifetimes could I  finish it on my own. 
I don't have the words to write this book, He does. He has the words, I am just the listener. 

When I look back on the Summer day of my High School graduation I know it will forever be a golden memory. The day when God, with a little help from Elli, miraculously healed my cold for just one day. When I skipped prom to go shooting in my prom dress with my brothers. 
When I worried that my heart was not intact with my brain, cause 'Why wasn't I more excited?!'
Looking back, leaving High school did not feel like an ending, it was not a conclusion, but rather the beginning of everything that will come after. 

I would like to thank everyone who was a part of this wonderful day with me. For my mom, who bought my prom dress when I really didn't deserve it and planned a glorious garden party. 
To my Brothers, for dancing with me through the grass and making me feel special.
To my Dad, who captured the whole day on camera so that I never will forget it. The pictures turned out beautiful.
To my friends, who came and shared the day with me, even those who are too far away and watched it through the camera ;)
And of course, I want to thank my heavenly father, who used this year to remind me how helplessly fragile I am without him, and that he will give me the strength, and the words, I need to go where he is taking me.
Thank you! I will never forget it!

Well, I'm off to register for College. Wish me luck, although I doubt I'll need it :)


 

Unnatural Creaures

Unnatural Creatures is a fantastical collection of outrages creatures.
Some were completely bizarre, others were quite amusing; and then there were the ones that were utterly frightening...

This book features sixteen short stories selected by master storyteller Neil Gaiman. 

Reading this book felt like wandering through a museum of myths, from one story into another. Some of these stories were marvelously outlandish. Some made me laugh, others frightened me. 

I loved Gahan Wilson's terrifying creature with the unpronounceable name. I can honestly say I have never read anything quite so peculiar (although I have read a lot of peculiar things.)

Neil Gaiman's own "Sunbird" was undoubtedly one of the highlights of this collection, although I believe the real unnatural creature of this story was Zebediah T. Crawcrustle, (You'll see why.) 

Samuel R. Delany's "Prismatic" was mystifying and really rather fascinating. A haunting story that feels like an old fairy tale.
I loved that the Princess in the story was named after me ;)
"I am a woman worthy of a Prince, and my name is Lea."

But, I think my favorite of all of these was the final story of the collection, which was Peter S. Beagles "Come Lady Death," in which the Lady Death is invited to a dance.
This tale was so bewitchingly enticing. If you ever want to meet the personification of death, and maybe share a dance or two with her, I highly recommend this story.

But, although this library of the unnatural is simply crawling with erratic creatures of all sort, there were a few that disappointed. 

I did not like "The Smile on the Face" one bit. Although the idea seemed promising, the story was very poorly written and the main character was extremely irritating. The setting was ridiculously cliche and the descriptions were altogether pointless. If I wanted to read about a shallow teenage girl I wouldn't be reading in this genre. 

I also didn't enjoy "The Manticore, the Mermaid and Me." Although I thought the idea seemed promising, it was very vaguely written and not at all gripping. 

In the end, I still really enjoyed this book. I love Neil Gaiman, and being able to read some of the stories that he loves gave me a new insight into his imagination, which I so adore. 

Photo credit, like always, goes to Heinrich Nikel Photography! Check out more of his stunning work here.

Farmer Giles of Ham

Considering that Tolkien is, and has always been, my greatest inspiration, it should come as no surprise that I loved this book. 
Although it was far more lighthearted than some of his other stories that I have come to love (exp. Lord of the Rings & the Children of Hurin,) it's still filled with Tolkien's familiar voice.
It is rich with his simple kind of warmth and his witty sense of humor. It introduces yet another Dragon with a strong personality, an unexpected, and all together unlikely hero and, of course, an absolute brilliant adventure. 
There is just a golden comfort that sustains through every one of his novels that makes me feel at home. Rereading his books is like reuniting with an old friend or returning home after a long time away. 
 

Photo credit, like always, goes to my wonderful Dad. Check out his website here.

I also love the story behind the story. For those of you that don't know this, Farmer Giles of Ham is one of the stories Tolkien invented to entertain his kids. J.R.R Tolkien first came up with this fanciful fairy tale when his family was unexpectedly caught in the rain during a picnic. The family took shelter underneath a bridge and Tolkien invented the tale to pass the time. This just goes to show that the best things really do happen unexpectedly.





 

The Life of a "BookDragon"

As a storyteller, one of my greatest inspirations is the freedom to experience other stories. Whether it is the exploration of a fictional realm, or the privilege to walk the path of another's life, reading is a writer's greatest asset.

I don't remember a day of my life since I picked up the first novel that I haven't been reading. I'm always reading something. But finding the time to do so isn't always easy. 
So how, throughout all the craziness of life, how can you find time to read?

I have constructed I list of seven things you can do to continue to read admits a busy schedule. This list is for books worms only. [I prefer the term Book-Dragons, who wants to be a compared to a worm?] 
Because reading is one of my number one priorities non-Book Dragons [worms] may find this list a little extreme and probably won't be able to relate. But, if you feel like reading this list anyway, be my guest; Just know that I already know I am a nerd so you don't have to tell me... so without further ado... here is my list.  

1. Make a goal.
Whether your goal is to read a certain number of books this year or finish the one your reading now by the end of this week, making goals will motivate you to read more. I find that when I make a reading goal for myself I often end up reading double as much as I originally intended.

2. Make it part of your routine. 
Eventually, you won't have to "make time to read," you'll just do it. Even if you only find the time to read a page or two, it's still better than not reading at all. Reading before bed is a great way to make reading part of your routine. It also helps your brain come down from a busy day, which will help you sleep better and more deeply, so don't even worry about the sleep you're losing to reading (so long as you know when to put the book down of course... which most of us probably don't.)

3.  Read everywhere all the time.
There's nothing like curling into a chair with your cat, a hot cup of tea and a good book. Although those are most readers ideal reading conditions, more often than not, life doesn't allow for this. Whether you're waiting for an appointment, or you have your book propped up on the table while you eat lunch (or held up in front of your nose as you're walking through public... lol,) drastic times call for drastic measures.


 4. Bring your book everywhere!
 (This one should be obvious, if you're going to read everywhere you're going to need a book.)
In case of an emergency always take a book with you. You never know when you'll find time to read. And although showing up with a massive novel to a gathering may be a little offensive to some people, you never know when you'll get bored or the opportunity to read will arise. 


5. Stop watching T.V.
This one makes such a huge difference. I didn't even realize how much time I wasted in front of the TV until recently when I started watching the new season of a TV show that just came on Netflix and my reading time suffered drastically. I went from reading two plus books a week to barely even finishing one. It's so easy to fall out of the habit of reading regularly. But, if you're not willing to completely drop watching TV (which I gotta admit I haven't done either,) then my advice is to prioritize. Which TV shows are worth watching and how much time do you really want to spend in front of the T.V?


6. Plan ahead.
I have a stack of books on my nightstand, and this isn't just because I ran out of space on my bookshelves. Looking forward to the books I'm going to read next gets me pumped to read more. It also avoids the bafflement of not knowing what to read next because I already know what I'm going to read next. 
 Abibliophobia is the fear of running out of reading material; But, if you're like me, then the problem is not that you worry about not having anything to read but not having enough time to read everything you want to read. There's just too many options. The World is full of so many great books. Where do you even start?! This is why I always decide what I'm going to read next before I finish the book I'm reading now.
A great way to do this is by using Goodreads. My "want to read list" is getting bigger by the day! Goodreads is a great way to keep track of what you want to read and what you have already read. It also keeps you focused on your reading goal. I am currently three books ahead of schedule, just by using this list!


7. Have a reading buddy!
I am so lucky to have two little brothers that are almost as big book-dragons as I am. I love curling into my bed and reading with them. The silent companionship of the flipping pages and my snoring cat is one of my favorite things. We also love to talk about what we're reading and challenge each other (exp. If I finish my book by the end of the day you have to read 100pages tomorrow. (Oh goodness, that sounds even nerdier when I write it down...))


Well, that's my list. I hope it was of some use to you, and if not I hope it as least motivated you to read more! 

Photo credit to Heinrich Nikel Photography. 

Check out more of his work here or read his blog here.

On a similar note, I'm planning on writing more book reviews on here in the near future.  This is one of the things I have been slacking majorly with and although writing about my journey and endeavors as a writer is a major part of this blog, books are just as important. 

Also if you want to stay updated on what I'm reading you can add me on Goodreads. I would love to see what you guys are reading and have you as my reading buddy!

Stay tuned for more book reviews coming soon!

My Return

I have been gone for a while now. 
First and foremost, I would like to apologize for that. 

I have been wanting to update for quite some time... Actually, when I say "want" what I really mean is, I put it on my to do list and find reasons not to do it. Week after week I have been avoiding this. 
At first it was because every sliver of creativity I could muster I invested into writing my book. Then, eventually, I wasn't even doing that anymore. 
Now, finally, I have run out of excuses. So, here I am. 


When I first started writing my blog I didn't think anyone was ever going to read it. Then, a few months ago, before my long absence, it finally happened; People started reading, and it absolutely terrified me. Worse still, people I know started reading and I was filled with an unexpected amount of dread.

Now, I know what you're thinking; The stuff I post here is public and other people reading it was sort of inevitable (not to mention kind of the point right...)
And yes, of course I know that, but the idea that people that I know are reading what I post here absolutely terrified me.
Before all this I didn't really know who read my blog, and frankly, I was kind of afraid to ask. I didn't share my blog on social media, I didn't tell anyone about my blog, most of my friends didn't even know I write. 

I've never been very good at talking about my feelings. I've also never really liked opening up to people. So when people tell me that they've read my blog it makes me feel ridiculously vulnerable. Those of you that read what I write here will know me better than most people ever will. The things I write about here are the most vulnerable pieces of me. They are the things that I would never talk about with anyone! I can't help but put my heart into my writing. This is what I live for. This is the stuff that my soul is made of.  

I think too often when I write I worry that people won't take me seriously. I think that I come across as naive; No more than a child with a dream that I was supposed to grow out of but didn't. I picture someone reading this and laughing to themselves, thinking girl get your head out of the clouds.

Then I realize, if I'm not going to believe in my own dreams, who else will? I have to be a dreamer because, if I were a realist, I would have given up by now! If I can't dream bigger than life itself, how can my life ever become anything bigger! 

I know I am a dreamer, but I have experienced my fair share of reality too. I know my head is in the clouds, but my feet are on the ground! My feet are on the ground, and I am moving forward! Every day I move forward, even if just by inches. In spite of all the frustrations, all of the times that I stumbled and all the many many times that I questioned myself; in spite of all those times when reality started to creep in, at the end of the day, I was still a dreamer. This is who I am. I couldn't be anyone else even if I tried. 


 
I read somewhere that if you aren't willing to look stupid nothing great was ever going to happen to you, and how could it?!
Greatness is not within the reaches of our comfort, it's out there! It's far beyond the reaches of our safety. To achieve greatness you actually have to get off the couch, turn off the TV and pursue it! You have to get rid of your harmful habits and all your self doubt and fight for it!
Just like I had to stop keeping my writing locked within my notebook and open up to people, no matter how much that scared me. 

Some one once said, (although I've quite forgotten who,) 

"Sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream no one can see but you."

Here, I have shared my dreams with you. I may succeed or I may fail, either way, you'll be here to read about it. You'll know my failure, but maybe, if I fight hard enough, you can watch my triumph.

I don't know who's reading this, but I know you're there. So, who ever you are, please don't be a stranger anymore. I want to know who you are. So please, comment. If you know me then message me. Anything, so that I know I'm being heard.
Because I am so tired of being afraid. I don't wanna be silent anymore; Because, the truth is that, right now, as I'm sitting here writing this, I feel more like myself than I have in months. 

Thank you for reading. 

Special thanks to Kathie who has been here from the very start. I couldn't be here without you <3